I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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