Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
