he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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