Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
