My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize