New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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