uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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