Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
