Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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