wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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