Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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