drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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