I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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