Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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