Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
