I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
