Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
