True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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