I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
