Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
