he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize