if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My feet surprised me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
