hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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