I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
