New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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