Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
