Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
