I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
