I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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