Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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