1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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