I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
