Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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