Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize