Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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