i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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