just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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