I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
