Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
