Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
