I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
