After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
