that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
