I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
