I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
