I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
