I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
