New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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