i just snorted my name. best moment ever
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
