Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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