We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
