If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
