You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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