cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
