I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
