I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
