I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
this is an emotional support booty call
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
