I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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