This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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