guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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