He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
