dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
