On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
