plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
