I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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