your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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