you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
COCAINE IS GR8
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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