Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We're too hungover to prance.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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