please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
